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Atom Bombs, Quarks, and a whole lot of love.

It’s kind of cold on the roof right now. I had a fun night of video games with my colleages - we went to the local barcade and owned the Killer Queen machine for a bit too long. We rotated a few people in so we weren’t totally owning the machine the entire time, but it was long enough that I felt like I should head out. I meant to write this from home, but instead I’m up on the roof of my office. It’s a nice view, albeit a bit brisk [did I mention that yet?]. I really should learn to prepare and dress for the weather by now, but that’s too complicated.

Well, it’s not too complicated so much as it requires n brain units, but it seems like all of those are full right now. No worries, I think some will free up with time. To get away from the dramatic reasons, I really just had a couple beers and no dinner, so it’s not a great idea to be biking home now. I could just bus home, but the point is to be fit! Leaving my bike at the office the whole time is just lame. I did that for one weekend and I felt totally crippled - couldn’t go anywhere without it! I mean, it’s only been 3 or so months with me regularly riding it, but that was enough for me to get back to my default “walking is slow and for amateurs” state.

Why do roofs [rooves? that can’t be right, but no spoilers!] appeal to people so much. The view we have is only OK too - you can kinda see the baseball stadium peak through, and you have an acceptable view of southern SF with the rollings hills of Bernal, but nothing amazing for Twin Peaks or the bay, let alone the ocean. I think it’s just really, REALLY hard to find a quiet place in such a big city. That’s normally fine for me, as that’s the whole goddamn reason I moved here. Staying busy, staying active, staying occupied, it makes hard to ever breathe and think. Not the healthiest mindset, sure, but it’s working out OK. Even then, I’m not a superhuman or anything; everyone needs their time alone. My roommates are great, but I’m never really alone there. On the roof it’s just me, the lights, and the wind. Not much else is going on up here.

But that’s not a problem. I like how cold my fingers get, it puts pressure on for me to actually sit down and put my thoughts to …. electrons? I like that, it made me smile. I know this is not my typical style here, but no big deal. I’m feeling pretty forced right now, and whatever thoughts come out of my brain and going right down here. I wish I could talk to you, dear reader, about all the other things going on, but I don’t even know how to start. Let’s start here.

Do you know those moments that you can’t sleep due to? The ones where you have a super long day, you’re exhausted mentally, physically. You change into bedclothes, brush your teeth, and fall over. The pillow hits your head and you are ready to just absorb the night into your skull. But suddenly, at one last moment, you remember that one awful time you messed everything for everyone forever. It’s never actually that bad, but I can only say that when I choose to actively think of it. However, whenever it slips in, I know in that exact moment, on that exact day, I made the world turn the wrong way for just a couple seconds. You never do it by yourself either - it’s always with someone(s).

Well, dear reader, I had the ultimate nightmare tip toe it’s way into the waking world. The thing about these events is that the other party never remembers them. They just are blips, usually utterly inconsequential, passing like rumours in the rushing tide of the river. Not this one! Nope, had to be on the trip, with said party, with alcohol. The moment got brought up in a time I was not expecting - just jokingly, of course. It was a cute memory for them I’m guessing, if they even knew enough of the details still to justify calling it a memory. Nonetheless, every single goddamn ounce of emotional stability sapped out of me as if it had been shopvac’d. It was only a blip of horror, but unfortunately, this means that I’ll now have twice the moments associated with this. Ideally having this happen would remove the curse that lives on, but I doubt it. I think it, sadly, amplifies it, in a positive feedback manner. Knowing that they now in fact remember it only makes it worse.

Sorry for no smiley faces this time - had to get real eventually, albeit rarely. I hope/know it’s vague yet personal enough for none of y’all to get this… I think? More of you read this than I know. OOF