And Now
And it's been a long time
Which agrees with this watch of mine
And I know that I miss you
And I'm sorry if I dissed you
I wish I could remember what it felt like five years ago. I have ideas, whispers, hints even of what it felt like to jump off that edge. But I can't tell you what the highest dream could have been. Looking back, it could have been anything. After all, I didn't even know what the majority of words stood for. It sounds so silly but it's true! Name any major TLA in an aerospace program and I would've given you a blank face. That's not quite true - I would've laughed in yours as I shrugged it off.
I didn't know what AI&T stood for, and now I lead half of it. I sat there stone faced as the CTO tried to break it down to me (admittedly, rather poorly). I hadn't yet discovered the bar that I'm writing this in, but I had one nearby. And now, my bar's remodel is complete and I can sit here on a Monday night again. I tried talking to a bartender about my upcoming decisions but it didn't go anywhere. And now, I realized that this empty scratchpad is the only place I can think. It's not busy, but it's not empty, it's somewhere in between. That magic amount of density that can somehow fit another object without sinking or rising.
People have left in between the first one and the next ones, between those and and this one. But for some reason their gap is feeling larger now.
The first one isn't done, and if I walk into a dark room and close my eyes, my brain will pretend they're saying “I told you so”. They're not though. That's all those demons trying to peak out of the corners. They won't go away until it works. Every day it stays on this world is another day you failed to live up to your hubris. Maybe that's another reason they creep out of the crevices. The simple, understated fact that a job is not done until it's done. Touch grass, sand, concrete, xenon, copper, and anything else - call me when it works. For a profession full of such technicality, it reduces to an adorable binary every time.
The one's that hurt the most have done it. They haven't just participated in it once, or twice. They've done the whole gig. Everyone asks you how awesome it must be part of the whole journey from here to there. Two feet in the saddle, planted at the first gunshot and never looking back. Then, and now? Now, as if the job was complete. Now, as if I was working here, doing this, making hard choices because waking up wasn't hard enough. And now, as if we were on to the next one without looking back.
There's a million different ways to resolve “how did you do it?", but I all I want to know is how you balance the future dreams with the current ball and chain? It's kind of humorous. In a world of rockstars and ninjas, I want to know how you were able to fly like Superman. More than Superman - he can lift a love interest, but how heavy is three hundred person's trust? Since he's not even human, maybe he can't relate. No one ever called him a leader, they just called him a hero. And now, I can tell you which I'd rather be.
And now, I'm celebrating the next one. I've seen enough media to know that the position I'm in is supposed to be pitied. Definitely not acknowledgment, surely not empathy, barely (by my count) sympathy. Anyone can stroll into a bar on a Monday night. I don't think many people besides me can walk in, grab a PBR, and complain about the $1 inflation. Grab a seat, whip out a tech laptop, and tell a portion of the online minutiae how they feel. Long hair, don't care, let it bang. Throw up the horns and knock another one back. A keyboard warrior in theory, but lacking a pseudonym. A six pack at my table and I didn't pay market price. Alone but with hundreds behind me.
And now, I'm going to win.