Basil’s Kite by Cap’n Jazz (Live at Fun Fun Fun Fest 2010). Tim’s yell is one of the most raw sounds I’ve ever heard. Probably second behind Roger Daltrey for me.
I’ve been punching harder and faster to keep my head above water. I’ve done it so much recently that sometimes I forget I’m even swimming anymore. By that point, it starts to look like I’m lashing out and flailing. All this motion is causing everything to heat up and we’re almost at the boiling point. I’m not sure what happens at that point, but it has never been pleasant in the past. I need to calm down and cool off somehow.
The last post changed a lot of things and a lot of things changed really fast. The molasses covered gears in my head have been frozen so long that they really did struggle to add two and two, but now I know how we get to four. I write all these words in order to stay sane and people read them. Those people are my friends. Maybe, maybe, …. maybe we don’t always need to go through a middleman. I wish this could’ve have been a purely self motivated changed without any external factors, but that would be a lie.
I have a friend who I’m not going to see as much anymore. Well, I had a friend. I made a really rash decision where I was super frustrated and hurt by their choice, so I kind of blocked them out for a couple days. In the short term, it was a terrible idea, but in the long term, it may have been one of the best things I’ve ever done. That impulsive poor choice let to a much more positive longer term realization: now I have a best friend. In a frantic haste to make up for the few foolish days, I’ve done everything I can to insert a year of value into ten days.
It’s not always smooth. Sometimes we talk right past each other. Sometimes we butt heads like a pair of rams. In general, the chart is trending up and to the right. I have someone I can tell anything and nearly everything too. I don’t always feel good talking about these things, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say these words.
Except, I don’t have /a/ best friend. Or maybe I do, but I don’t to limit it to just one. Talking to people is hard but like everything else in life, it also snowballs. If you can put in the energy to create one small spherical piece of snow, everything is literally downhill after that. One person, two person, three person four. At what point does this become too much to ask for? Well, it’s after four, that’s for sure, so I’m grateful. I’m hoping that solving problems also follows the above pattern too. I think I have some really challenging things going on that I have to deal with, and I don’t want them to boil over. Hopefully talking about them makes slightly the subsequent solution that much easier.
I’m still really, really scared they’re leaving. Maybe all the above was just a guess, a guess that won’t come true. I can’t focus on that, because I don’t want to live in that reality. The good news is I have new ground floor, and it’s not on rock bottom. I love the above song title and it’s really how I try to think of all my friends. So friend, to me:
You are 9AM on a Monday morning. You are sitting there, slightly bored, but start to smile when I walk in excited. You are ready to tell a story or hear one, but either way, it’s in hushed whispers. You are, most importantly, messaging me 90 seconds later about the one detail you forgot to mention.
You are 5PM on a Friday afternoon. You are reminding everyone of exactly what time it is. You are making sure the music is on and it’s loud. You are a strong independent person who doesn’t need to be told how to sing this song.